She was the one… And I lost her… (Part 3 of 3)
Hello! I’m Back Again!!!! This time, I will finish the final saga of this story!!!! For those who did not get to read my first two parts, here is the synopsis.
Summary PART 1 OF 3 (I Met Her…)
I met this girl way back 1998 and her name was Dianne Pabroa. At first, I hardly took notice of her because of the career disappointments I was busy with in the company I just joined at the time. It was in one afternoon lunch that I took notice of her when she started crying and later shared to me of her career disappointments as well. As a part of goodwill, I decided to help her after lunch. Little did I know that would be the start of an interesting relationship….
Summary PART 2 OF 3 (The Blossoming…)
After lunch, I started teaching her. Later on that day she got upset with an office co-worker she broke down. I suggested that she goes home and asked her to give me her landline to check up on her. What began as a five minute check up conversation blossomed into one hour regular phone calls and face to face office chats. We discovered we had things in common. We could talk about anything under the sun. We even laughed at the same jokes…At the same time! One day I just woke up discovering that I really like her a lot. I just could not tell her because I knew she had a boyfriend and I too had a girlfriend at that time. I just did not know if she liked me too. Until she started giving hints like saying she prefers going to me to teach her I.T. stuff rather than her boyfriend and calling me up just because…. I was in the verge of falling for her!
I will now continue and finish this three part story!!!!
PART 3 OF 3 (Then I Lost Her…)
By this time, I was really trying my best to ignore the feelings that was blossoming inside of me for her. One thing I did for example was to tell my brother about it. He said, “Kuya huwag mo nang bigyan yan ng panahon. Masama yan. The person has a boyfriend na.” I replied, “Yeah, I know. I just had to hear somebody say its wrong.” Well that conversation with my brother and his brotherly advice kinda helped my feelings in check but seeing her everyday and her work area just literally one step away from my desk really blinded my perspective of things! Heto pa….Around that time there was this revival song by Ariel Rivera called “Getting to Know Each Other”. Well the song really hit right smack into the situation I was in! And yes, people in the office were already noticing how we enjoyed each others company that they started making ugly rumors na kami na nga! Ano ba yan! Anyway, I wanted to keep things casual and friendly that I suggested we go watch a movie in Greenbelt after lunch (Wala Pang Greenbelt 2, 3 , or 4 at that time. Kapag sinabing Greenbelt, iisa lang yan)…. I emailed the invitation to her telling that since there was nothing to do in the office, maybe we could go see a movie….No response… Hmmm… I wonder why…. Two days later, I got a response…. From her boyfriend! I opened the email and he said that I should stay away from her. I noticed it was a forwarded email. I scrolled down the email and saw my original message and she forwarded it to him saying…. “Read On….” She did not reply to me! She forwarded it to her boyfriend! I was so upset that I called her attention and had her read the email in my PC. She was shocked.
After that, she did not talk to me. Well fine! I did not talk to her either! What enraged me was that, here I was consoling her when she cried and all I get is an undiplomatic email from her boyfriend! Finally, I got an email from her saying that she has a boyfriend and she can only be my friend and that’s it. Well, the funny thing was the nature of the email sounded like as if I confessed my feelings for her but actually I just only suggested we go watch a movie…as friends! Anyway, I felt I did not need such crap treatment from her boyfriend so I decided not to talk to her either. And if she would start a conversation with me,
I would say the shockline, “Dianne, I don’t think it’s a good idea that we talk. After what has happened I think we should not even be friends.”
I even rehearsed it for two weeks. I was just waiting for her to start the conversation and I would drop the bomb! On the third week, walang nangyari. No conversation, nothing. Fine with me. I was concentrating looking for another job anyway. At that time there was this new website called www.jobstreet.com and it was cool! Biro mo, I wouldn’t have to literally walk from company to company just to give a stupid resume! All I needed to do was email it! (Halatang Old School! He he…. J) So for the next three weeks, I was busy emailing my resume.
One afternoon, I decided to have my merienda after surfing the net. I bought, Nissin Cup noodles Chicken Flavor. At the corner of my eye, I was surprised Dianne did not go out for merienda with her friends. She decided to eat on her desk. So that meant kaming dalawa lang sa kwarto! Okay lang….Dedmahan… I did not give a shit! Anyway, when I poured hot water into my Nissin Cup noodles Chicken Flavor and was about to eat it, I heard a voice from behind asking, “Beef Flavor ba ‘yan?” I looked from behind and it turned out to be Dianne asking if I it was Beef Flavor. I replied, “Huh?” and she asked the question again, “Beef Flavor ba ‘yan?” this time with all smiles… It was the cutest smile I haven’t seen in three weeks! I ended up saying, “Hindi Chicken ito.” And I continued eating… She followed up saying, “Meron akong cookies dito kung gusto mo.” I said “Okay maybe next time”. While eating I was cursing myself why wasn’t able to say my shock line and rehearsed it for weeks! And here I am ended up saying lame replies like “Hindi Chicken ito.” And “Okay maybe next time.” Later that day around 5:30 pm she did usual pack up of her things but this time before she left, she gave me a tap on my shoulder and said, “Bye Bye uwi na ako.”
Clearly, she was opening the lines of communication. Ako naman si Gago, later that night, I called her up. I had to come up with a reason to call her. I used the office retrenchment situation as my reason to call her up and clarify if retrenchment was really true. She said yes and as usual we ended up talking about the email her boyfriend sent me. She then confessed to me she was going to get married at pasensya na raw. I gave my congratulations and told her to forget the incident. (Uuuuyyyy friends na uli! He he… J)
Well you could say na bati na kami after that. The funny thing was we became even closer after that incident. She would share her hopes and dreams as I would mine. I even shared my salary target in two years. I told her I wanted to earn Php 30,000 monthly by the year 2000. It was 1998 at that time and I was earning a little more than half that amount. One day, she and her friend were doing girl talk in her cubicle. It was quite loud I had a hard time doing my usual pathetic and boring work… and of course surfing the net and looking for a job.
They were talking about love and all that corny crap. All of a sudden she called my attention and asked me, “Oliver, Sali ka naman dito sa conversation… How can you say that you are in love?” I paused and thought about it. Then I said, “I know that I am in love whenever I feel a connection toward a woman every time I talk to her. That’s when I know I am in love.” With a smile She said, “Wow! How romantic naman the description!” Well it just came out of my mouth. Funny thing was, I thought about her, I thought about the events between us to come up with that description. It was at that very moment that I realized that what I just blurted out from my mouth was in reference to her!
I discovered at that very moment I was in Love With Her! Tang Ina! Shit! Pare! Kapow! I Fell For Her Na! Grabe!
Yes, my friends, in a surprisingly way, I really fell in love with Dianne!…. I just didn’t tell her for I felt this was a love was scorned by society. Bawal na pag-ibig as they say. I kept things casual from the outside but she was already the Joy of My Life in the inside. She really lighted up my life! Things went by, I kept it casual. So did her. But we were just too happy being together in the office. For the first time in a long time, I felt being appreciated for just being me. She made me feel alive again!!!!
Oh yeah I had a girlfriend at that time but the nature of the relationship was mababaw and was a “Who’s Your Daddy!” kind of relationship. So there were no real emotions so to speak. I guess it would be safe to say that she became open to me to the point that she confessed that her boyfriend does not like me. Well, I told her I did not like him either for the reason that he was too rude to assume that I was getting her girl. Anyway, you could say this was pretty much the picture of what was going on between me and Dianne and the people around the two of us. It was on the fifth month, ever since I got to know her, when Dianne shared to me that she had doubts of marrying her boyfriend.
For one thing, mukhang Malabo sila. Second, mukhang napipilitan daw ang boyfriend niya. And third, because he was still a struggling I.T. Professional and she wanted somebody with big dreams. Getting a cue from that statement, I asked her, “What if there was this man you would want to marry and this man was earning Php 30,000.00 a month? Would you want to marry him? J (Take note that I was referring to me) Guess what she said…. Sabi niya, “Sure why not but since that man and I would be both starting, I would need to earn also approximately Php 20,000 a month to make our combined monthly income to Php 50,000.00 to cover household expenses. Teka lang… How much are these expenses?” As she said this, she got her calculator and punched in the value “50,000.00” Sabi ko, “Ah umpisahan mo sa Ilaw which would cost Php 3,000.00 a month with aircon, Telepono mga Php 700.00 at Tubig at around Php 300.00 a month.” While I was saying this she typed in the deductions and by the time I was done verbally giving the estimates she showed me the deducted value à Php 46,000.00 Sabi naman niya, “Kulang pa ito, wala pang pagkain pa ito.” Sabi ko naman, “Oo nga pala, make that another Php 3,000.00 a month for two people” And she said, “Assuming there are monthly car payments this needs to be deducted as well around Php 10,000.00” She showed me again the deducted value à Php 33,000.00 And I said, “Don’t forget daily gas allowance. Peg it at…” She finished my sentence saying, “Php 1,000.00 a month” Sabi ko, “Yup exactly” She showed me again the deducted value à Php 32,000.00 As you can see, this was pretty much the pattern of our conversation on making deductions. We were finishing each other’s sentences like clockwork.
By the time the deducted value reached Php 7,000.00, the nature of our conversation went this way… Dianne: “O anong gagawin natin sa Php 7,000.00?” Me: “Itabi natin yan sa isang savings account para sa future tuition ng mga bata.” Dianne: “Okay. No problem.” In a timely manner at this point, her boss comes into the work area and gives her admin work while I immediately went back to my work station to continue my work as well.
As I was about to start working, I said to myself, “Teka lang… Bakit pinag-usapan naming ang household expenses hindi naman kami kakasal? Pero feeling ko na ako ang ikakasal sa kanya?” That self-question led me to the obvious answer screaming from my heart à It’s because I wanted to marry her…..Huh? Oh my God!
What am I saying? But then, on those moments were doing the computations, I felt two powerful and beautiful emotions:
1. I Loved Her
2. I Just Felt Right For Her
The first emotion is passion. The second emotion is being relaxed and comfortable. Normally in my past relationships whether girl friend or friend, it was either one emotion or the other. The first emotion would normally be felt toward my girlfriend. The second emotion would normally be felt toward a friend. I felt these two powerful emotions simultaneously for just one girl! It was then I realized that she was the one!
She was my other half! She was the one I wanted to Marry!
From then on I found the girl of my dreams at the most unexpected place in the most unexpected circumstance! It was a beautiful feeling. But then, I did not tell her for I felt this was a love not approved by society. Bawal na pag-ibig as they would say. I just kept quiet and made things casual. At least we were still talking. But deep inside my heart was screaming, every second, telling her, “Dianne Katrina Pabroa, I love you very much. Will you marry me?”
Believe me, this was an internal torture for me. By this time I perceived my current “Who’s Your Daddy” relationship with my girlfriend as a roadblock to Dianne but what could I do? We were both committed to our partners so to speak. I couldn’t handle it anymore and I didn’t want to commit a sin against society. It was a question of being right or being happy. I picked the former Being right.
My Brain won over my Heart. It was then, I decided to resign. This was around early September, 1998. I showed my resignation letter to Dianne that I would be resigning from the company effective September 30, 1998 . After reading it, she said,
“You know what Oliver………………. I will miss you………” That statement broke and melted my heart at the same time and all I could say was,
“I will miss you too Dianne…” I thought that was done when she followed up her statement saying,
“In a few months from now I will be getting married……” “But along the way…………………………………………………. I found somebody better……………….”
Sabi ko, “Sino siya?”
Sabi niya, “Basta.” With a grin.
I did not press on who that person was but I had a strong feeling she was referring to me. In the last few days of my stay in the company, I tried not to speak to her to cushion the pain of leaving her.
On my last day September 30, 1998 , all I could say to her was “Goodbye.” That was the last time I saw her…………………………………………………….
We still communicated through, email, and phone when I transferred to my next company. It was only in my next company did I get to confess my feelings to her… …in e-mail…. I knew this was a less romantic way of saying my feelings but I deliberately picked this medium of communication to take away the element of romance associated in a face to face situation.
I told her in e-mail that I loved her but I had no intention of disrupting her wedding plans because this was the right thing to do. Well she reply in email that we should not even say Hi, Hello, and How are you after what she learned about my feelings for me and continuing communication would be inappropriate. I agreed. This was easier for me to finish it.
Shortly after that, she starts emailing me again.
Hindi nakatiis.
Okay lang…Ako rin! He he….
Natuloy din ang phone conversations. This time the conversation was about the details of her wedding plans and the emotional pains she went through. She would complain that she was the one only working out the details of the wedding arrangements and her boyfriend barely had active participation. She would end up crying to me on these complaints. I would cheer her up by making her laugh.
I really learned a lot on detailed wedding plans through her stories. Our conversation went on for another year all through 1999.
Finally, at one point she convinced me that we should go out and eat in Outback Steakhouse in Libis on a Wednesday night. Just the two of us. I gave into the idea. On that Wednesday, I left the office early to go to Outback Steakhouse Libis.
The reason why I decided to meet her for dinner was to find out really, bakit gusto niyang makipagkita sa akin at ano ba talaga ang kalagayan ng mga damdamin naming sa isa’t isa? I even planned on telling her that night, in person, that I loved her very much.
However, by the time I got to Santolan, it started to rain very hard and the bus I was riding got stuck in traffic for 30 minutes. Good thing I had this new gadget called a cell phone and it was the right time to use it. Buti na lang she also had a cellphone din. I called her up telling her about the problem. She told me she had problems getting to Libis too and she was also stuck in traffic.
She finally said,
“Naku mukhang hindi yata tayo ipapagtagpo ng Diyos. Maybe this is not meant to be.”
I agreed and said we better turn back. Funny thing was when I got a ride home, it was a lot faster! That was the last meaningful conversation I had with her. After that the nature of our conversations became less frequent and even if we did talk it became more and more casual. It was as if circumstances were slowly drifting us apart….
By January 2000, I completely lost her. Yes my friends, I really lost her this time…… All I could do is hope that I find a girl like her and have the same powerful emotions I felt for her.
I was a changed man because of her. From a man who was scared of marriage. I was now a man who was no longer afraid of that vocation in life. She told her friends that she changed me.
Yes, she did change me. She really had a profound effect in my life……..
EPILOGUE
As the years went by, I never met a girl like her again. As the years went by, I kept on asking myself, “Was the decision of not grabbing the opportunity of love in the name of society’s conventions the noble and right thing to do?”
By May 2004, I then realized that I could have grabbed that opportunity. I deduced that hindi ako nanunulot. Ang taong nanunulot would be a person who would have pre-meditated plans of consciously stealing the girl’s heart from another guy. In our case, it was a situation of two people discovering love and being made for each other in the least expected place and circumstance. It was not planned. It just happened.
Given this new definition and new way of looking at things, I concluded that I could have grabbed the opportunity and banked on the idea the “Love will conquer all.”
If there is one thing I realized and learned, if a love so powerful comes into one’s life and sees that in another person, Grab It!!!! Take hold of It!!!! For it may never come back!!!!!!
I learned that in life is too short to be miserable. If a passion in one’s life comes, it should be embraced. It should be fought for. I elected the safer route. But this route does not have the passion, adventure, and the glory of victory from against all odds that life has to offer.
My life is safe. I’ve lived a conventionally correct life. But my life is empty.
I realized there is no treasure at the end of this rainbow. Its nothing to be proud of to preach. But I was four years too late. I then realized I created an unanswered chapter in my life. How would I end this? I have got to look for her.
Good thing somebody invented Friendster and this was a good place to start. For the last 3 years I have been looking for her in Friendster. After a few months of searching, I ended finding……the husband’s profile! Man of all people! Anyway, when I read the husband’s profile, it said, “In a Relationship.” Hmmm… what did this mean? That he divorced or split up with Dianne and now has a girlfriend? If so, then I would still have the hope to somehow revive what I stupidly lost…. All I could do is just write a blog about it and hope that she reads this and hope that something can be revived out of this.
*************************************************************************************************************************** January, 2007……It is now seven years later when I lost her……. As I was in the process of doing the second part of the blog I posted two weeks ago, I decided again to search for her. I searched for
“Dianne Alizer” as I knew she got married as an “Alizer”.
Low and behold, I saw a woman, Age: 33,
Hometown: Balantang, Jaro, Iloilo
Location: United States . The picture I saw was a woman in a baseball cap and big round eyeglasses but the cheek features and smile of the woman had a strong resemblance of Dianne!
I knew back then shared to me that her hometown is in Iloilo and that I was two years older than her. Given this information, this must be her! I just wasn’t sure.
By January 16, I decided to start the third episode of this blog. I checked my Friendster and I was shocked to see somebody in my “Who’s Viewed Me” section of my Friendster!
It was the woman named “Dianne Alizer” Aged 33, Married. The picture posted was the woman in hat and shades with a smiling face. She viewed my Profile!!!!!! Oh my God!!!! Is this her?
Is she Dianne Pabroa who is now Dianne Alizer? But her status is “Married” while her husband’s status is “In a Relationship”
I have a lot of questions I want answered and this is the time and opportunity to find out. I still do love very much the woman I found to be the one and lost her…..
If I could turn back time and repeat the year 1998, I would have grabbed that opportunity and tell her that I love her and I want to be with her for the rest of our lives……
Now that this seems to be another opportunity to find out, should I send her an email or not?
She is practically now in my “Who’s Viewed Me” folder. She is just a click away but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do?
Is Dianne Alizer the former Dianne Pabroa?
Is that Dianne in the first place?
O baka kamukha lang niya?
If that is really Dianne, is she still married or is she separated?
Should I open the lines of communication or just let things be?………………
THE END…………………………………..
